Vintage Post: In a world where salt has 60 uses...

Today's Vintage Post: In a world where salt has 60 uses..., originally published October 21, 2007. I still laugh every time I read this list.

(Note: click on the graphic to view it, and then click again to enlarge it.)

A woman came up to me at church today and asked if I wanted a handout on "60 Uses For Salt." What could I say but yes?

(If this seems a little random for something given to me at church, it's related to our church's food storage program, which is awesome. What is even more awesome is the amount of knowledge certain people in our congregation have on the subject, including the lady who gave me this handout.)

After church, I had a chance to actually read it. I've had a great time imagining the world in which many of these uses would actually be applicable. Namely, a world in which:

1. People still use hankies.

9. People's apples become wrinkly.

10. People call the griddle after a pancake but call the pancake itself a flapjack.

14. People read this sentence and don't almost fall over laughing in church (like Jeremy did).

25. People polish their teeth.

32. People are hanging up laundry outside in freezing temperatures.

35. (This one is cheating and doesn't really belong on the list, because in this case, you've used too much salt, haven't you?)

50. People's hose are constantly getting mismatched.

58. People own old kerosene lamps.

60. People are baking pies (OK, maybe this one is strange only for me).

And finally, this is a world where Mormons apparently:

12. use coffee pots (I guess there could be other uses for it),

49. drink coffee (hmm, maybe not)

30. drink tea, and

52. are constantly getting wine stains on their clothes.

Anything else?


Actually, there was plenty else to say. I'll paste here my friend Kristen's comment from the original post:

Oh. My. Gosh. I thought you were totally lame for posting 60 ways to use salt. I have better things to do, really. Until I read it.

Ahem.

4. There is no way to construe this sentence as a use for salt. A use for rice, perhaps, but not salt.

10. My pancakes don't stick to my flapjack griddle either.

14. Whoa.

15. And when I think of all the money I have wasted replacing worn-out clothespins!

23. I think I'd prefer to have a sore eye to a sore and burning eye. But that's just me.

24. I have gargled warm salt water for a sore throat--choir teacher taught me this one. And Gary sprinkles salt on his tongue when he's feeling dehydrated--says the increased salinity promotes water retention in the body. So there's number 61! Take that, stupid list!

28. Mmmmm...salted milk....so relaxing...

29. Seems to me this should be followed by an explanation or a promise of the good fortune to be received by doing so...

34. If my sponge needs freshening...it is going in the garbage!

46. Ashley is correct about this one...but if it were true that salted water boils faster, it would be true regardless of what was being cooked, as it is a property of the saltwater, not the eggs.

50. Once again...just buy some new hose. Or better yet, throw them away and shave your legs for crying out loud!

51. Sweet refrigerator odor...

53. I've always loved the phrase "offensive odors." It conjures images in my mind of people actually becoming offended by an aroma. Hm.

59. Why are the odors on my stove offensive, but not the ones in my drainpipes?

This entire exposition seems curiously as though it may have been published by the Salt Council of America. Come on, you really expect me to believe that Sodium Chloride is some sort of super-substance which can clean, deodorize, and--(scoff) actually *improve* the glorious flavor of cocoa?

You're not fooling anyone, mighty salt sponsors.